Truth, for once.

Fuck, I'm in a bad shape right now.

 Its been a long while since I wrote anything. Couldnt find the sense of purpose or direction to do anything, truth be told. Unless you count the endless stream of half-assed attempts at getting my shit together, which I abort, like a bad pregnancy, whenever the going gets too tough. Which seems to happen more and more often.

 The docs tell me I have depression, GAD, panic attacks, GERD, and fuck knows what else. Been dealing with that shit for years now. First with booze and drugs, which, as you can imagine (if anyone is actually reading this, which I doubt, not after I abandoned the bloggin-get-rich-scheme. Yes, you read that right.) didnt go too well. Now I'm also doing drugs. Its just that they are prescribd by my psychiatrist.

 And you know what? They DO help. I want to kill my self only half the time I'm conscious. Big step in the right direction.

 Btw, you know those self-help guys who tell you psychiatric drugs can't help you, and only positive thinking, meditation, visualisation and spiritual enlightenment can save you? They're mostly full of shit. Sure, some of them have something going on for them. A few reasonable sentences here and there, surrounded by an ocean of evil, satanic thought-form piranhas, munching on rationality and reason and leaving only the bare bones of superstition and wishfull thinking. Think religion. Same shit.

 Enough for now. Maybe gonna write more later. Its gonna get a lot more peronal. Exhibitionistic, really. I'm gonna whip out my mental cock in the face of the unsuspecting, and most probably one-time, reader, and start jacking off furiously. In the futile hope it'll bring some realese.

Motivation

 Slow two days. A lot I planned, not a lot I pulled through.

 Motivation is a bitch. Or rather, the lack of it.

 On the one hand, I got it all figured out, so it seems. I know exactly what to do to get what I want. Only thing is, I still need to force myself to actually do it. And it makes me wonder.

 I've read recently that the only two motivating forces in a human being are: first to avoid pain, and second to get pleasure. You can argue over the details, or put forth Maslows, and similar theories, but that's what it boils down to. And the stronger of the two is the drive to avoid pain.

 To think about it- every time I procrastinate about doing something its actually my mind avoiding greater pain in the moment, becouse it cant feel the inconvenience/trouble/whatever caused by inaction in the future, or the rewards of taking action. Or so the theory goes. Thats why even reminding oneself of all the goodies you'll get for doing something in the future does not always work to break through procrastination, if the action involved is, for example, fucking mindnumbingly boring (yay my school years!).

 That gets me to a question I've been wondering about. Is there a way to trick the system? Can you somehow convince your lazy, illogical, emotional mind that what you try to do is not, in fact, an excruciating experience in self- abasement, but a GOOD, interesting and enjoyable thing? I've tried the force approach, the "exercise of strong will" and it just doesn't work, at least not for long. Affirmations also just don't cut it. Self hypnosis? Worked for smoking cessation, but almost nothing else, so it could be just a correlation.

 Don't get me wrong, I can get things done. I just wonder if there is a way of convincing yourelf, your mind, your psyche, whatever you want to call it, to do things WILLINGLY, without the constant struggle.

 Somehow I sense a shitload of reading ahead.

Infected Mushrooms

Looks like I've been missing out.

I always considered myself a rockman/metalhead/bluesman/anything-with-a-guitar-in-it-man, at least when I was a teen. Anything without a guitar immidietly visible would get insta-labeled as bullshit pop.

And I considered everyone who didn't like the stuff I did to be close- minded. HA!

 Recently I stumbled on some stuff by, watch out, LADY FRIKKING GAGA, Infected Mushrooms, some trance and dubstep bands and the like. And they seriously kick some ass. Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6hL6fkJ1_k&feature=related

 Good music comes in all forms and guises it seems.

Election time.

 Its election time in my country. That means everywhere you look you see even more ugly faces then usual. Its like grimmemennesker's website on every street corner. The only difference is, some of those on the page look like they might actually be trustworthy.

 Of course, its the same whorefest like four years before, and four years before that. The would- be politicians use everything and anything that their targeted base cares about. This time, they try to exploit peoples disgust and repulsion of politics itself. People are understandably sick and tired off all the bullshit. So get this, the ruling parties slogan for this campaign is something along the lines of: "Building a better future for your city. Away from politics".

 And people swallow it up.

 I can't wait for the inevitable outrage when the winners of the election fail to deliver on their promises. Seriously, we've had twenty years of democracy. You'd think by now SOME people would see through this bullshit scheme.

 

 Of course, America, and much of the rest of Europe had almost two hundred years and they still buy into this, so I guess I shouldnt be surprised.

Music

Listening to Motley Crue all the fucking time lately. Just can't get this shit out of my head. Simple riffs, shitty vocals, simple solos, and it blows my mind. It has so goddamn much soul in it. I swear, some guys could just take a fucking bucket, and a cardboard box with strings made out of wire put through it, and make good music. I, on the other hand, can't make good music with a proper guitar, an amp, and all the modern tech that practically gives me a studio at my desktop. A studio that 30 years ago was availible only to the biggest bands.
 The. Fuck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h72tbYmWRts

Random stuff. Getting my feet wet.

 I wonder if everyone has the same kind of trouble as I do when it comes to sitting down and actually writing something relevant. Seems like the great God of Procrastination himself lowers his gaze on me every single time I try. The fucker. Doesn't he have anything better to do?
...
...
Oh, right.
  Anyway. It's been a short day. You know the type. When you get up late, and then rush through everything you had to do and still end up doing far less then you intended, while doing a whole shitload of things you never meant to do? And then its nighttime? And you just KNOW you're going to bed late, and wake up late the next day AGAIN? Yep.
 This whole procrastination thing gets me thinking. How much time do I waste on irrelevant shit? How many hours of my already too short life do I spend on mindless distractions?

Fuck it, lets see.

24h a day

9 hours sleep
2 hours at work (yay me!)
the rest?
1 hour exercise
that leaves 12
about an hour making phone calls
about 2-4 hours with my gf, but not everyday
the rest is just surfing the net, looking for lolcats, or reading. 8-10 hours a day

Fuck.

I really need to get a grip.

Hi!

 I thought I'd give it a try. Everybody goes on and on about blogs, and I never before even considered getting aboard what I thought is just a fad. Well, a few years have passed, and the "fad" didn't go away, and I figure its never going away. So I might as well get with the program.
 The idea is to use this place as a sounding board. I found that voicing my thoughts, or putting them on paper (or a screen, as it were) tends to give them clarity. I often get into debates with people, or go into monolouges, with my girlfriend as the ever-patient listener, just to listen to my own ideas. In the process, those ideas change in a subtle way. I often walk away from the experience with a new perspective, even if only due to a bruised ego when my thoughts turn out to be stupid (happens a lot). Hopefully, this whole blogging thing will let me do this without further aggravating those around me. If someone finds what I write entertaining, well, that would be a nice bonus.
 Anyway, that's it for now.